The Smooch

I love my husband.  But I think that all wives say that.  We have to right?!  The Smooch and I have been married for just over two years.  In terms of being married, I think we might still be newly weds.  We are not a typical 20-something couple.  We are a 30ish/40ish something couple.  Being a little older and stuck in our own ways provides many challenges for us.  Especially since neither one of us is ever wrong.  And I do mean ever....*

I think as you get older what you find sexy changes...  in some ways at least.  I used to think sultry eyes and a charming smile where the end all be all.  But as I get older, I realize it is really something else.  It is finding out that a load of laundry got done so that you don't have to go commando at work...  It is coming home to a clean house and the grocery shopping done.  It is finding out that your better half can and will defend you and stand up for you in ways that you yourself could never do.  I have found that in The Smooch.

Now that is not to say that he is a push over and will defend me always.  No sir.  If I'm wrong, he lets me know it.  Which usually leads to fighting.*  But he does.  And I may not always show it because, well you know why* but he always makes me stop and think.  I stop and think about how I should have seen a problem or how I should have reacted to a certain situation.  And it may not always be obvious but I try to act differently.  The Smooch has this way of thinking that is new to me.  He sees things so much differently than I do.  He is always showing me a new way to live and a new way to be.  He teaches me so much about relationships.  I always found myself surrounded by people and I always thought that was good enough.  The Smooch is teaching me that it is not the quantity of people in your life but the quality.  And quality friends are harder to find and even harder to keep.  The relationship its self is harder.  It just takes more time and effort.  But because of these hard lessons, I think my friends/ family are getting more out of me and I am getting more out of them.  Or at least that is the goal.

The moral of the story is this....  I love my husband.  I am a lucky girl.




Dramatic Reenactment - The Smooch

*As of the publishing of this blog, The Smooch or his lovely bride have never been wrong.  EVER!!

Weird Shepherd's Pie

Last night I did something for The Smooch that I haven’t done in a while.  Eww..  No not that.   You have such a dirty mind.  What I actually did was cook.  Shocking I know.  But let's be clear, this is not a cooking website and I am not giving cooking advice.  You would be a fool to follow any advice I have on cooking.

Cooking at my house is never as easy as it sounds.  Our kitchen is tiny and I always have an audience.  I have been trying to teach the dogs to stay out of the kitchen.  I just about have the one below trained.  He does however hover in the door frame.  But he knows better than to cross that line.

Please sir can I have some more?

The cooking motivation started when I met with my blogger friend from Honesty's Protégée to discuss all things blogging.  She has an awesome blog full of recipes and DIY projects.  I picked out a recipe for Biscuit Lasagna to make but when I tried to explain it to The Smooch, he was disgusted.  Something about his family being Italian and lasagna being sacred and if it doesn’t have noodles then you can’t call it lasagna… or something along that line.  The argument that ensued ended with me saying “Fine, then it’s called Weird Shepherd’s Pie, can you eat that?” and he agreed he could eat it and maybe even enjoy it as long as lasagna wasn’t in the title.  Deal!

Green Peppers

The Smooch tends to hate my cooking.  I know, what an awful man he is.  But he has a good reason for hating my cooking.  I can't cook.  Or maybe a more accurate portrayal  is that I don't know how to follow a recipe.  Ok, that's not quite it either.  The truth is that I simply don't follow the recipe.  I tend to think of them more as guidelines.  If I don't have all the ingredients, that's okay, I'll just leave them out or I may try to substitute with something that I do have in the house.  Tomato sauce and ketchup??  Basically the same thing right?  And if I have 3/4 of a cup and the recipe calls for 1 cup then 3/4 will do.  And the opposite is also true.  It if calls for 3/4 of a cup and I have 1 cup, I add it all.  I am not putting 1/4 of a cup of something back in my fridge.  Instead of throwing it away, into the pot it goes.  And because of these tiny, insignificant changes, my husband thinks everything I cook is awful.  Hogwash I say.  It takes like Hogwash, he says.

So I made some minor changes, sue me.  It turned out pretty good.  Except that the biscuits only cooked on the top side and they were raw on the bottom.  But that could have totally be our oven.  Right?  Otherwise, It was pretty good.  And eating a raw biscuit won't kill you.

Yum??

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Tricknee

You know how people need alcohol to feel brave to do idiotic things?  I am unfortunately not one of those people.  I tend to do stupid things completely sober.  So to explain to you exactly what happened to me last night (or what stupid thing I did to myself) I must explain a couple things to you first. 

•  I am pro-alcohol and do imbibe on occasion.  The problem is that alcohol is not pro-me.  We used to have a pretty good love-hate relationship.  Now, it is becoming more hate-hate.  As I get older, it takes the same amount of alcohol to feel drunk but significantly less to feel hung-over.  I now become hung-over after only two water-downed drinks.  My husband thinks I am a mean drunk so he has me on a strict two drink limit.  Because of this, I drink significantly less than I used to. 

•  A year or so ago, my parents hosted a big shin dig.  That means party to you city folk.  For said party, my parents had rented a bounce house.  Oh, what fun!!  If I only knew the truth*.  As the party was winding down, I decided it would be a good idea to try out the bounce house.  Rumors later circulated that I had drank too much.  I am here to tell you the truth.  I had exactly 1/2 of a beer over the course of two hours.  I wish I had been drunk, it would be less embarrassing.  Anyway, so I yelled to The Smooch, to come join me.  We were bouncing and having fun.  And then it happened.  I learned a valuable lesson.  I jumped one way and my knee went the other.  I hit the ground screaming in pain.  The Smooch kept bouncing thinking I was faking.  I was not.  My knee had twisted and had given out.  My niece and nephew would  later ridicule me about why I should have followed the rules of the bounce house.  I was over the weight limit.  I was over the height limit.  Why didn't I listen? A trip to an orthopedic surgeon assured me that not only was my knee not permanently injured, unlike my ego, I was also the oldest bounce house victim the orthopedic surgeon had ever seen.  Now I have a trick knee that gives out at the most inopportune moments.  Like that time in improv class where I got up too fast and my damn trick knee gave out.  Shortest scene ever.  But big laughs.

Back to last night....  My big injury happened over a year ago.  I have only had minor problems since then.  Lately, I have been feeling like my knee was almost back to 100%.  And then it happened.  It gave out again last night.  It gave out in a big way.  I will preface this story by saying I am okay.  I am writing this with my leg propped up and with an ice pack but I am okay.  So I give you permission to laugh.  Laugh big.  Laugh hard.  In exchange, I ask that you not tell anyone about this.  This may easily be one of my more embarrassing moments.  The only reason it isn't my number one most embarrassing moment is because I was alone when it happened.  There were no witnesses.

And here is what happened.... It was about 11:30.  The OSU game had just ended.  Time for bed.  I had had exactly 0 alcoholic beverages.  I was however sitting near two people that were drinking.  Maybe I had a contact buzz?  I don't know.  I did, however drink a lot of water and I do have a very small bladder.  That makes for a dangerous combination.  All of a sudden, I had to pee.  Bad.  I ran to the bathroom (well walked quickly, because who am I kidding, I never run.)  There was no time to shut the door, and I barley had time to pull my pants down.  No need to unbutton because well, you know (Button Free, Zipper Free, Care Free).  So pants half way down my legs, I turn to sit, and then my knee gave out.  I bounced off the toilet and fall, half in/half out of the walk in shower, pants around my knees.  I take a breath and try to assess the damage.  My knee hurts... bad.  But so does something else.  Oh yeah, that's my bladder, I still have to pee.  If possible, even worse than when I originally rushed into the bathroom.  I am glad to know that in intense situations, I can hold it.  Peeing my pants would have been the icing on the cake.  I take another breath.  Can I move myself the few inches to make it to the toilet?  Is my knee strong enough to support me?  Did The Smooch here the crash and is he on his way up here now?  We are not yet to a place where I wanted him in the bathroom when I was peeing.  The door was open, he could walk in anytime.**  My need was urgent, so I decided to risk it.  I moved towards the toilet and lifted myself up.  And then I fell in.  It seemed that when I bounced off the toilet, I had hit it with such a great force, that the toilet seat had ripped clear off the toilet.  It was two feet away.  I finished my business and then hobbled to the nearest bedroom to lie down.  Then I yelled for The Smooch.  When he arrived, I was half crying with pain and half laughing from embarrassment. 

He entered the bedroom not sure how to react.  There lies his crazy wife, laughing hysterically and holding her knee.  He tentatively asked the obvious.  I couldn't explain.  The tears and the laughter wouldn't stop.  I simply pointed towards the bathroom.  He assessed the scene but still couldn't put the story together.  So, through the tears and sweat, I told him what happened.  I told him the truth.  I have a family history of destroying toilets in unusual ways.***  So he just smiled and lovingly helped me hobble to bed.  He got me an ice pack and has been taking care of me all day.  Because when your wife is prone to idiotic drunken accidents when completely sober, you have no choice but to smile, take care of her and just shake your head and laugh.



Dramatic Reenactment

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*The Truth! Bounce Houses are dangerous!!  I have proof.
'Bounce houses' under new scrutiny | The Columbus Dispatch
Nationwide Children’s Hospital Study Shows Increase In Bounce House-Related Injuries - 10tv

** In fact, we almost got divorced earlier in the week when he walked in on me going number two.  Traumatic for both of us.  There was yelling and screaming on both parts.  We couldn't look at each other for the rest of the day.

*** My grandfather, the asshole, once destroyed a toilet when he dropped a crock pot on it.  Because who doesn't dispose of rancid vegetable soup by pouring it down the toilet?  The crock pot was unharmed.

My Dream of Chocolate .... A Children's Story

A gal that I went to high school with, Mindy McGinnis recently published a young adult book called Not A Drop To Drink.  This got me thinking, maybe I should write a book, a children's book.  I mean I totally have all the skills.  I've been writing a blog for about 20 minutes.  I don't have kids or want kids but I do see them on television and one time one talked to me at the park.  It was crying and lost or something but I just sent it away.  Wow that was close.  So like I said, totally qualified to write a children's book.  So below, for your eyes only, is my first children's book.  Enjoy!

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My Dream of Chocolate

I must be dreaming because I am in a room full of chocolate.  Chocolate as far as the eye can see.  There are all types of chocolate.  Dark chocolates, white chocolates, those delicious Mexican chocolates.  And it was all for me. 

I put the first delicious pieces of chocolate in my mouth.  Amazing.  Oh the sweet goodness.  I couldn't stop.  I was addicted.  I started stuffing as many chocolates into my mouth as I could.  Chocolate sauce spilled everywhere.  It was on my face and in my hair.  But I didn't care because I was so happy.

Then my mom walked in.  "What are you doing?" she shrieked.  "Get away from those chocolates.  What will people think about you putting all those chocolates in your mouth.  You should be more selective and pick only one chocolate.  And one day, when your are my age, you will realize that your delicious chocolates have turned old, white, and crusty."

And then I woke up....  Craving chocolate and wanting more.  Desperate for more, I thought to myself, maybe I can buy chocolate.  Where's my piggy bank?  I was on a mission...

THE END

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So that is my children's story.  After rereading it I thought to myself, wow.  Wow, that is awful.  What can I do to make that crap better.  And then it hit me, like a ton of delicious chocolate.  I needed a gimmick.  I don't need to make this story more appealing to children, they are stupid and have no money.  I need to make this story more appealing to their parents.  How do I do that?  I know.  Pick one word and have the parents' replace that word in their head when they are reading this crappy story.  I am a genius!!!  So reread the story above but replace the word chocolate with sexy men or sexy women depending on your sexual orientation.  I know.  Genius.  And, you're welcome.

That was a drag....

Saturday night led me to a nightclub in Columbus called Axis.  This is a gay bar.  I am not a gay person.  But the shocking part is not that I am a straight person in a gay bar but that I am a morning person in a night club.  Ouch.  So what led me to this fine establishment, you ask?  My own insanity.  I was reading the local magazine called 614 Magazine.  The article was entitled Fabulous & Unique.  The gist of the article is that Axis Nightclub was having a Pink Anti-Bullying Event featuring Nina and Virginia West (a mother/ daughter drag queen duo (I am not sure how that works either)) and Alex Newell who plays Unique on Glee.  If you watch Glee then you will know he is the one in drag.

Virginia West

I agree with anti-bullying no matter if it is aimed towards the gay kid or the nerdy kid.  Bullying ain't cool.  Just don't do it.  I also have a thing for drag queens so I grabbed a couple friends and off we went.  

Nina West

We originally thought the show started at 11:00 pm.  PM are you fucking kidding me?  You gotta be nuts, but I love drag queens so I took a long nap before the show and was ready to stay up till midnight.  But when we got to Axis we found out that the show was actually supposed to start at midnight.  WTF!!  I can't do this, I can, but I can't, I am so old, how will I go on?  I got here at my bedtime and now the show doesn't start till midnight.  But somehow I survived.  The drag queens were good.  I think I should be one.  They can't really dance and they just lip sync and that is right up my alley.  I even got to meet the fabulous Unique. 


Alex "Unique" Newell

A fun time was had by all.  But this blog isn't about the fun that I had.  Oh no...  This blog is about why I love drag queens. 

And here is the reason I love drag queens...  They are who they are.  They are exactly who they want to be.  They don't worry about what people think.  They know who they are on the inside and they are that person on the outside as well.  I am mesmerized by them on stage.  I wish I could be so bold.  I understand that they are in "costume" and playing a "role" but they still do some pretty amazing things.  Things that I don't think that I could do even with a costume to hide behind.  These women are advocates and role models.  They do all this while dressing in a manner that may not be accepted by society.  Makes me feel lazy.  I feel good about the person I am.  I have few hardships.  The only minority group that I am in is that I am a woman.  And with all these things on my side, I still can't compare to the accomplishments that these women have.  And so I tip my hat to you.


The Smooch has left the building...

Not only did The Smooch leave the building, he left the city, county and state.  The Smooch decided to drive to Long Island, New York to visit his family.  His dad broke his foot this summer and needed to get some stuff done around the house, so The Smooch decided to go and help out.  He planned on being gone about a week but it ended up being about 10 days.  Rumors started flying.  "I think she killed him and buried him in the back yard.  New York is just a cover.  He is never coming home."  That wasn't true, I assure you.  The Smooch is alive and well.  But as his trip kept being extended, I thought maybe The Smooch's mother had kidnapped him and was keeping him for manual labor.  She confirmed that he was locked in the basement.  But she finally released him and he is back home.  I assume at least.  Between naps and football, I haven't actually talked to him yet.

This is what our dogs looked like when I had to
tell them their daddy had extended his trip again.  So Sad.

But enough about him, this is my blog.  And below is the list of things that I had planned on doing vs the list of things I actually did while The Smooch was away.
 
Things I Planned Today While The Smooch Was Away

1. Sleep a lot.
2. Eat tons of Jeni's Ice Cream.  If you have never tried, you have never lived.  Get a second job before you try it because you are going to need it to pay for your new habit.  But it is worth every penny!
3. Eat Taco Bell every day.  Gross I know but shut up and get your own blog.
4. Work on all my projects.  The Smooch refers to these as "crafts" but they are not.
5. Relax.
6. Enjoy single life again.

What I Actually Did

1. Run around like a crazy person.  Before doing any evening activities, the dogs had to go out first.
2. Go to bed late every night.  After being gone all day and night, I felt bad keeping the dogs crated all the time.  So I stayed up late so they could play.
3. Eat crackers for dinner, because we don't have food at our house.
4. Water the new sod and new plants every day while being eaten alive by mosquitos.
5. Walk the dogs. 
6. Clean up dog poop and pee.  Mostly off the bottom of my feet because that's usually how I discover my dogs little surprises.
7. Had a very small taste of what it might be like to be a single parent.
8. Pee with six eyes watching me.  That goes for just about everything else I did that week.
9. I did actually eat a lot of Jeni's Ice Cream.  Because a girl's gotta eat and there was no food in the house.

Random Stuff That Happened This Week - Week of September 9, 2013

Blogging is an interesting concept.  The weeks that I do nothing mean I have lots of time for blogging but a lack of items to blog about.  And weeks were I am really busy, mean no time for blogging.  This week was a little of the former.  Not much going on with nothing to write about.  The Smooch is out of town this week, leaving me home alone.  I enjoyed the time without him but I do miss him.

This lack of nothing to do sent me up to my parents on Friday night.  Going to my parents house is something I have always enjoyed doing.  They live in the country and life in the country is a little quieter and calmer than city life.  Everything moves a little slower.

 

The above is true for the country but not my parents house.  My parents are a little on the crazy side and their house is always a little crazy too.  My mom loves dogs.  My entire life, my mom has always had a handful of dogs.  Recently she started working with a dog rescue group called Ohio Fuzzy Pawz.  This means that on top of the massive amounts of dogs she already owns, she always has a couple foster dogs that she is taking care of.  I really don't know how she does it.  Some of the foster dogs come with a lot of challenges.  They have behavioral issues and some of them have medical problems that need to be dealt with before they can be adopted.  My mom keeps track of all of these dogs problems and makes sure each one gets the right special dog food for a food allergy or the medication they need for a skin condition.  I don't know how she does it.

So, going to my parents' house becomes an adventure.  This weekend, my mom had eight dogs.  EIGHT!!  I of course had my three in tow.  Yep, you counted correctly that makes eleven.  Have you ever had to keep track of eleven dogs.  Every time you let them outside, or inside or whatever, you have to count and make sure all dogs are accounted for.  And if that's not bad enough, seven of the eight are Shih Tzus.  Below are pictures of all the dogs.  I am not sure if I got all the right names matched up with all the right dogs.

My Mom's Dogs

Sophie - The Non-Shih Tzu

Mr. T

Zeus - God of all dogs



Rhet

Laylie

The Foster Dogs - ADOPT A DOG!!
 


Bono - Currently up for adoption!!

Randi - Currently up for adoption!!

 

Andrew

 My Dogs

Harley (Back), Dominic (Front Left), Maddie (Front Right)

That's quite a house full.  But it is nice because there is always someone to love, someone to cuddle with and someone to play with.

But dogs isn't the only thing I did while home for the weekend.  My dad and I hit the local high school game.  It is always funny to go back to high school events.  The people seem to be the same except they are older and fatter.  I am now old enough to have friends with kids in junior high and high school.  That makes me feel old.  I hope for all the adults around when I was in high school that I didn't act the way high schoolers do today.  I am sure I did but I would like to believe that I was more mature than that.  Seeing them in their own environment (just call me Jane Goodall) makes me appreciate my life a little more.  I think every one of the cheerleaders had the same haircut.  Long hair down to mid back, big ass bow holding it all back.  Conformity much?  I just want to grab them and say "Try being an individual, it's pretty cool!!"  But they would just call me weird and they'd probably be right.  But the difference is that I don't give a crap's ass (I don't know what that means either) what they think.

I ended the visit with my parents with a trip to the local ice cream shop, Suz-E-Q's.  My parents go there every Saturday without fail.  I go for the ice cream.

 

My choice of the day



My dad's indulgence


One final note to send you into the week.  I read a lot of random stuff on the internet and Facebook.  Mostly random articles and blogs.  Well this week, I happened upon the funniest advertisement for a product I can't believe exists. I discovered PooPouri.  Watch the YouTube video.  It's worth it.  I haven't yet purchased this product, but I will.  And I'll let you know how it works.

 

Until next time...

Poke The Bear

The force that has become my husband (further referred to as The Smooch) and I has no one to blame but Match.Com. We met online. Match handpicked us and delivered us to each other's inboxes. The Smooch "winked" at or marked me as "interesting" or whatever the lingo is these days. And then of course, he did nothing else. I was notified that The Smooch was "interested".  I waited a couple days but he never emailed me. I finally had to make the first move and email The Smooch.

Our first date was a lunch date on Friday, January 14, 2011. We met in person, for the first time at Spagio in Grandview. I was very busy at work that day and actually scheduled lunch with The Smooch between meetings. The first date went well. The conversation was great. I texted The Smooch the next day to see if he wanted to meet up again. He said yes.

Four weeks later, I knew that I had met the man she was going to marry.

On February 11th, I gave The Smooch a CD. It was not a Valentine's gift, just a gift given right before Valentine's Day. The Smooch retaliated. I specifically asked him not to do anything for Valentine's Day. The Smooch also made me a CD and homemade brownies. He had them delivered to my work by his unsuspecting intern.

Not long after this, The Smooch and I began playing a game they lovingly referred to as "I Love You Chicken." It is like regular Chicken but instead of running straight at each other until one of us flinches, we try to "one up" each other in a loving way.
Ex. One of us might say, "I like you"
The other one would respond with, "I love you"
Then "Let's get married."
"Let's have babies."
"Let's have ten babies!"
And so on and so forth.

This game is what led them into a jewelry store for the first time. We were at Easton Town Center shopping.  And in the spirit of the game, they ended up going into a jewelry store and trying on engagement rings.  I hyperventilated. The Smooch laughed. Until he saw the prices of the rings I was trying on then he hyperventilated as well.

This is how our story began.

Random Stuff That Happened This Week - Week of September 1, 2013

This is the first episode of Random Stuff That Happened This Week.  This will be a weekly (or whenever random stuff happens) blog of funny random stuff that I witnessed.

The beginning of this week fell right in the middle of Labor Day weekend.  We did plenty.  I will save you the details of all the random labor day things but here is a cute picture of a goat.  My husband (The Smooch) and I went to the local fair where I grew up, the ever fabulous Morrow County Fair.  We saw lots of old friends, ate lost of greasy food, and saw some farm animals.  We thought about taking this little guy home with us.  But we have a two pet limit and already have three dogs.

Are you my mommy??  Am I your kid??

Tuesday was The Smooch and I's second anniversary.  I thought The Smooch was the most amazing husband in the world.  For my anniversary, he invited a couple guys to our house for a fantasy football draft. Not so amazing anymore. I even had to order pizza for the group.  Happy Anniversary Baby. I think I will invite over my knitting circle for our anniversary next year.  He later redeemed himself with flowers, a great dinner at G. Michaels and a show.  We saw Totem.  Totally worth the money.

So Sweet

My work week ended with a move day.  Part of my job is organizing the moves for all the tenants in an apartment building while my company renovates their apartments.  Friday was a move day for me.  Move days are always the most interesting part of my job. This week's move provided much entertainment for me.  There was the girl with the sink full of black sludge because she didn't want to call maintenance...  and the guy who used the spare closet like a trash can.  But my favorite must have been the guy who had a whacking stick by the front door for burglars and a knife under his bed for the burglars who got past the whacking stick.


The week ended with some adventures with sod.  Yes sod.  I will clarify for my younger readers.  When you are young, you get excited about things like shopping, sex and cheap drinks.  As you get older or more married, you get excited about home goods and lawn care.  You laugh now but just you wait.  Anyway....  our friends, decided to install sod in their backyard.  Being the great friends we are, we donated my dad's truck and our time.  I had to drive the truck, being the only one of the four to be able to drive a stick shift.  So the husband in our friend duo and I drove to the sod place to pick up the sod.  We had loaded all the sod into the truck.  The tires didn't look so good.  I called my dad to see what the weight limit was on his truck.  He said 8-900 pounds.  How much sod is there, he asks.  I tentatively say 1800 lbs and hang up as quickly as I can.  So getting the sod became a two day adventure.  But while we were getting the second batch, The Smooch and  the wife in the duo laid all the rest of the sod.  When we returned, there was no yard left and still lots of sod left.  So we drove the sod to our house and installed it there.  If you have ever laid sod, you know it needs lots of water.  I mean LOTS of water.  We had loaned our sprinkler to our newly sodded friends so we were in a pickle (metaphorically speaking).  Below is the results of some genius thinking, if I do say so myself.

New sod, no sprinkler? No problem. Good thing your wife grew up in hillbilly country.

And that is just a sampling of all the random things that happened this week.  Stay tuned for another exciting episode...

Detecting Illegal Drug Activity

That was the name of the class I took today at work.  I work in affordable housing or low income housing, whatever you want to call it.  But basically we take those without homes and give them homes.  This line of work often leads to interesting training classes.  I have taken a couple drug awareness classes and am embarrassed about how little I knew about drugs.  I thought I was pretty street savvy but it sounds like I need to stay on the sidewalk a little longer.  Or maybe I just need to watch some additional episodes of Breaking Bad.  I already watch Justified so I understand the hillbilly weed trade but that doesn't really help me understand the urban drug trade.

Today's class was how to tell if drug activity is happening on your property, what to look for and what the signs are.  A couple cops taught the class and they even brought in a dummy proof kit that showed what each drug looked like and they had "samples" on hand for us to look like.  All the class really taught me was that I will never be able to sell crack or cocaine because I can't cook.  I will never be into meth because I flunked high school chemistry.  And if the plant in my office is any indication, I will not be growing pot in a closet any time soon.



My Office Plant

I guess I better keep my day job a little longer.