Sunday, May 18, 2014

Hey Asshole: Commuting with Meg Kra - Hand Gestures

My special kind of hand gesture is quite terrifying to all involved except for me.  I find it quite funny.  I discovered it a couple years ago when I found myself very stressed out and easily raged by the items (cars, people, idiots) on the road.  So I decided to try an experiment.  One that would display my rage and disgust to the drivers around me while also relieving my stress.  Now remember, DO NOT try this on the street.  I am an experienced psychopath and have been practicing this for years.  You can follow along and try each step.  Practice in front of your computer.  Once you feel comfortable doing that, try practicing on the people around you including your loved ones and coworkers.  I practiced a lot on The Smooch.

So here you go, my special kind of hand gesture goes something like this.  Sometimes I like to improvise a little but the basics go like this.  Someone cuts you off, is texting or whatever.  Do this.  Look in their general direction.  You can try it now.  Are you doing it?  Now raise your eyebrows and make your eyes wide and big like you are completely shocked.  You got it so far?  Ok.  Now pull your mouth into the biggest, widest smile you can.  I like to open my mouth a little.  Make sure you can see your pearly whites.  Ok.  So your eyes are big and wide and your mouth is smiling bright.  Now here is the pièce de résistance.  Now raise your hand, don't forget to hold tight onto the steering wheel with the other hand.  Spread all five finger as big and wide as you can.  Got it?  Now wave.  A good side to side wave.  Once you get this down, you can practice making your eyes, smile and wave bigger as you go.  The bigger, the crazier you'll look.

That's it.  So just remember.  Big wide, eyes, mouth and wave.  I find that when people see me doing this, they get the hell away from me.  They take one look at me, assume I am crazy and starting switching lanes to get away from me.  Flipping someone off is easy.  But it often is ignored or just makes the other driver mad.  My technique insures that they notice me and then they get the hell away from me.  No one wants to cut off a crazy person.  They are a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I know this technique sounds a little crazy.  I know what you are thinking.  Will that really work?  What if the person thinks I am waving at them because I know them.  If you do it correctly, they will get the correct message.  I know this from first hand experience.  Once The Smooch and I were driving on the freeway.  He was following me, I can't remember why we were in two cars.  But as he passed me, he slowly turned to me and did the above technique.  My blood went cold and I unconsciously slowed down to get away from him.   I felt that look deep down in my colon.  Mission accomplished.  Don't believe me.  See the example below.

The bandana is to protect my secret identity.
The hat is to protect you from my unwashed hair.

Hey Asshole: Commuting with Meg Kra - The Rules

I recently started a new job.  The new job has something that I haven't had in a while, a commute.  It isn't a very long way but thanks to lots of freeways coming together and idiots, every day is an entertaining commute.  I am going to share my stories with you.  There will be swearing and possibly some commuting induced rage. But to start, here are a few commuting rules to avoid being the victim of road rage by Meg Kra.

Some Simple Rules

  • Get off your fucking cell phone.  This includes texting and Candy Crush.  I don't want to die because you need to beat one more level.

  • Also, don't do non-car things in your car.  This includes, but is not limited to brushing your teeth, putting on makeup and shaving.  I have seen all of these things.

  • Pay attention.  I don't feel I should have to clarify this one further but it seems I do.  You are operating heavy machinery.  Pay attention... to yourself, to those around you, to the road.

  • Get the hell over.  If you are not driving as fast as I am, then get the hell over.  The left lane is known as the passing lane because you are supposed to pass in that lane.  If you are not passing, get the hell over.

  • Only cut off people with cars nicer than yours.  People with nice cars usually drive more defensive because they take one look at your car and assume you don't have insurance.  If you cut me off and you have a nice car, I assume you have good insurance.  I want a good car, so maybe I don't stop.

  • If I have found it simple and easy to read the road signs and find the correct lane, I will assume it will be simple and easy for you.  So if I am in a lane that is bumper to bumper and you find yourself unable or unwilling to read the signs and you find yourself trying to cut me off to get into my coveted lane, know this, I am thinking NO.  NO, NO, NO.  NO, NO, NO. NO, HELL NO!  There are a couple exceptions.  If I look at your license plate, and you are from out of the county, I will give you a break and let you in.  If you have a license plate that is from my county, then see thoughts above.  If you do the above, are from my county and are on your cell phone, I have a special kind of hand gesture for you. Find it here.

  • And most importantly remember this, we are all just trying to get there alive.  So calm the fuck down and drive like a normal person.