Sunday, May 18, 2014

Hey Asshole: Commuting with Meg Kra - The Rules

I recently started a new job.  The new job has something that I haven't had in a while, a commute.  It isn't a very long way but thanks to lots of freeways coming together and idiots, every day is an entertaining commute.  I am going to share my stories with you.  There will be swearing and possibly some commuting induced rage. But to start, here are a few commuting rules to avoid being the victim of road rage by Meg Kra.

Some Simple Rules

  • Get off your fucking cell phone.  This includes texting and Candy Crush.  I don't want to die because you need to beat one more level.

  • Also, don't do non-car things in your car.  This includes, but is not limited to brushing your teeth, putting on makeup and shaving.  I have seen all of these things.

  • Pay attention.  I don't feel I should have to clarify this one further but it seems I do.  You are operating heavy machinery.  Pay attention... to yourself, to those around you, to the road.

  • Get the hell over.  If you are not driving as fast as I am, then get the hell over.  The left lane is known as the passing lane because you are supposed to pass in that lane.  If you are not passing, get the hell over.

  • Only cut off people with cars nicer than yours.  People with nice cars usually drive more defensive because they take one look at your car and assume you don't have insurance.  If you cut me off and you have a nice car, I assume you have good insurance.  I want a good car, so maybe I don't stop.

  • If I have found it simple and easy to read the road signs and find the correct lane, I will assume it will be simple and easy for you.  So if I am in a lane that is bumper to bumper and you find yourself unable or unwilling to read the signs and you find yourself trying to cut me off to get into my coveted lane, know this, I am thinking NO.  NO, NO, NO.  NO, NO, NO. NO, HELL NO!  There are a couple exceptions.  If I look at your license plate, and you are from out of the county, I will give you a break and let you in.  If you have a license plate that is from my county, then see thoughts above.  If you do the above, are from my county and are on your cell phone, I have a special kind of hand gesture for you. Find it here.

  • And most importantly remember this, we are all just trying to get there alive.  So calm the fuck down and drive like a normal person.