Sunday, May 18, 2014

Hey Asshole: Commuting with Meg Kra - Hand Gestures

My special kind of hand gesture is quite terrifying to all involved except for me.  I find it quite funny.  I discovered it a couple years ago when I found myself very stressed out and easily raged by the items (cars, people, idiots) on the road.  So I decided to try an experiment.  One that would display my rage and disgust to the drivers around me while also relieving my stress.  Now remember, DO NOT try this on the street.  I am an experienced psychopath and have been practicing this for years.  You can follow along and try each step.  Practice in front of your computer.  Once you feel comfortable doing that, try practicing on the people around you including your loved ones and coworkers.  I practiced a lot on The Smooch.

So here you go, my special kind of hand gesture goes something like this.  Sometimes I like to improvise a little but the basics go like this.  Someone cuts you off, is texting or whatever.  Do this.  Look in their general direction.  You can try it now.  Are you doing it?  Now raise your eyebrows and make your eyes wide and big like you are completely shocked.  You got it so far?  Ok.  Now pull your mouth into the biggest, widest smile you can.  I like to open my mouth a little.  Make sure you can see your pearly whites.  Ok.  So your eyes are big and wide and your mouth is smiling bright.  Now here is the pièce de résistance.  Now raise your hand, don't forget to hold tight onto the steering wheel with the other hand.  Spread all five finger as big and wide as you can.  Got it?  Now wave.  A good side to side wave.  Once you get this down, you can practice making your eyes, smile and wave bigger as you go.  The bigger, the crazier you'll look.

That's it.  So just remember.  Big wide, eyes, mouth and wave.  I find that when people see me doing this, they get the hell away from me.  They take one look at me, assume I am crazy and starting switching lanes to get away from me.  Flipping someone off is easy.  But it often is ignored or just makes the other driver mad.  My technique insures that they notice me and then they get the hell away from me.  No one wants to cut off a crazy person.  They are a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I know this technique sounds a little crazy.  I know what you are thinking.  Will that really work?  What if the person thinks I am waving at them because I know them.  If you do it correctly, they will get the correct message.  I know this from first hand experience.  Once The Smooch and I were driving on the freeway.  He was following me, I can't remember why we were in two cars.  But as he passed me, he slowly turned to me and did the above technique.  My blood went cold and I unconsciously slowed down to get away from him.   I felt that look deep down in my colon.  Mission accomplished.  Don't believe me.  See the example below.

The bandana is to protect my secret identity.
The hat is to protect you from my unwashed hair.