Sunday, February 9, 2014

And It Burns, Burns, Burns, The Ring of Fire, The Ring of Fire - Part 2

Continued from And It Burns, Burns, Burns, The Ring of Fire, The Ring of Fire - Part 1

This is probably the part of the blog where I should tell my male friends and relatives to stop reading.  If you are sensitive or easily offended stop reading.  Just stop.  Trust me on this one.  You may not want to read past this point.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

So I want you to take a minute to reread the title of this blog.  Ladies I think you may know where I am going with this.  Sometimes when a girl takes antibiotics, she suffers from what is known as candidiasis.  I also had to Wikipedia it after I saw it as one of the side effects on the antibiotic.  I can't say it, you know what it is.  I just posted a Wikipedia link.  Just look it up, then you don't have to read this blog.  Don't make me say it... okay fine, I'll say it.  I had a raging yeast infection, which I nicknamed Biv.  Yes I named my yeast infection.  Why you ask?  Because saying and thinking burning, itchy vagina a hundred times a day get's old.  If men think about sex once every seven seconds, then I was thinking about Biv seven times every second.  I've had yeast infections before but this one put those to shame.  At first, it felt like just a small irritation.  Like maybe I used the wrong soap or something.  Then the burning really set in.  The collapse me where I stand, heat of a thousand suns lasted 5 whole days.  Those 5 days suddenly seemed so much longer than the previous 6 weeks with a head cold.  Suddenly my mucus baby didn't seem so bad.  The burning was awful.  The itching was so bad.  I couldn't sit down.  I didn't want to put on pants.  If my life had a sound track, then Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys and Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon would be playing in the background.

I finally called my doctor and explained to my doctor's assistant that not only did I have severe diarrhea, but I also had a raging case of Biv.  She said she would talk to the doctor and someone would be in touch with me on what I should do regarding my prescriptions and my many side effects.  I again said to her, I don't think you understand the severity of my situation.  I can't sleep because the burning wakes me up, I can't sit in meetings because the heat in my pants is too much.  I need some sort of solution.  She started with "well try not to scratch it." Honey, that ship has done sailed!!  She then suggested a cold compress.  I ran to the freezer.  When I put that ice pack on my flaming lady parts, the angels sang.  Sweet release.  The Smooch tried talking to me but I couldn't hear him.  Not over the sizzling of my cooling woo hoo*.

While I was waiting for the doctor to call back, I looked up some home remedies to try.  One of them included douching with warm water and yogurt and the other included putting garlic in cheesecloth, closing with a string and then shoving the whole thing up your woo hoo!  I think if I tried that, I would yell Woo Hoo when I did it.  Must be why I call it that.  PS.  I did not try either of these home remedies.  I thought they both sounded too scary.

My doctor finally called back after what seemed like weeks but was in reality only a few hours.  With Biv nagging me all day, time seemed to slow down.  When the doctor called back, I was at the dollar store.  Work is collecting items to take to a local homeless shelter and my coworker and I had ran to the dollar store on our lunch hour to pick up a few things.  That of course is when my doctor called.  He is talking to me about my diarrhea.  I interrupted and said, listen doc, that is not what I am concerned about.  I told the nurse about a second symptom.  That is the one that concerns me.  I told him I was trying to be a little discreet since I was at the dollar store and standing next to my coworker.  He said and I quote, "So what you are saying is that you are embarrassed to say that you have an itchy vagina.  There is nothing embarrassing about an itchy vagina.  You should say it loud and say it proud.  I HAVE AN ITCHY VAGINA!!  If you are at the dollar store, there is a good chance that you are not the only one there with an itchy vagina."  My doctor thinks he is funny and normally I would say he is.  Ok, I admit it was a little bit funny hearing my doctor scream at me over the phone ITCHY VAGINA, ITCHY VAGINA, ITCHY VAGINA.  I also admit that it was a little embarrassing.  My face was so red and my co-worker kept looking at me like I might be crazy. I think I may have cried a little.  Partly because I was laughing so hard and partly because I think a little bit of my soul may have just died.  So after his little Tourette's episode he told me to stop taking the antibiotic and he would call something new into my pharmacy to help with my ITCHY VAGINA!

I called The Smooch and asked him if he could pick up my prescription.  I had some plans after work and wouldn't get home before the pharmacy would close.  The Smooch said he would be happy to pick up my prescription.  I told him that this was very important.  His reponse was that he wasn’t an idiot and could handle picking up one small prescription.  But when I got home for the evening, The Smooch admitted that he had gotten busy and hadn't picked up prescriptions.  The fire in my woo hoo boiled up and came out my ears.  It was too late to pick it up now.  I would have to wait until the pharmacy opened in 12 hours.  12 HOURS!!  Are you f*ing kidding me.  The argument that ensued was pretty nasty.  The words burning, itchy vagina came out of my mouth over and over and over again.  I am sure the repeated description of the way I felt was punishment enough for The Smooch.  This was the closest we have ever been to divorce.  This is also the closest that I have ever been to pulling my husband’s testicles out through his ears.  And ladies I think not picking up my yeast infection medicine is reason enough to file for divorce or maybe even reason enough for murder.  I told The Smooch to apologize to Biv.  Biv and I forgave him but we didn't forget.  Oh no we did not.

I thought that I could survive the night.  I was wrong.  Biv was really starting to get on my nerves.  She just wouldn’t stop nagging me.  So at 10:30 pm at night, in a level two snow emergency, The Smooch and I headed out to the grocery store.  Yes I made The Smooch go with me.  This was his punishment for not getting my prescription.  We only live about a block from the grocery store so we headed out on foot.  We walked through the worst snow storm of the year.  We probably had 4 inches of snow on the ground and it was snowing at a rate of 1 - 2 inches an hour.  We finally got to the grocery store.  I am looking for the items that I need.  I guess I stood there a little too long because a gentleman came up to me and asked me if I needed help finding anything.  He actually started with, I don't work here but I shop here a lot maybe I can help you find what you are looking for.  I looked at him and then I looked at The Smooch.  The Smooch is laughing hard.  He is waiting, no willing me to ask the guy, yes sir, can you help me find the Vagisil?  The guy looked to nice and I just thanked him and told him I was fine.  I didn't think introducing him to Biv would be nice, plus I was trying to save all my torture for The Smooch.  I finally found what I was looking for and headed to the checkout.  The cashier says, how is your day going.  I said look at what I am buying and then let me know what you think.  The Smooch is howling by this time with laughter because he thinks the whole thing is hilarious.
I come bearing gifts to you oh great Biv.

I practically run home to apply all my lotions and potions.  But then I realize that running creates too much friction for Biv and have to stop to let her cool off.  She is not a fan of running, moving fast, sitting still too long and a variety of other activities.  I finally got home and I applied all the above items in all the places it needed to be.  Here I will spare you the details.  Use your imagination on where each item went.  And for the first night in days, I slept well. 

I am not sure how to conclude this blog post.  I am still healing.  My sinus infection is still hanging on.  I still have mucus babies on a regular basis.  It seems that everything my doctor prescribes me has a side effect of diarrhea and I seem to be effected by this with every new prescription.  Biv is doing better.  The burning is less bonfire and more candle.  Not a romantic candle, maybe more like a citronella candle.  Kinda smelly and a necessary evil during the itchy mosquito season.

*Woo Hoo is a technical term for my vagina and sometimes the area around my vagina.