Friday, February 21, 2014

Untitled - I just don't have the energy to think of one.

I want to preface this blog with this.  I am making fun of myself.  This is meant to be funny.  Please don't call me to see if I am okay.  I AM OKAY.  If you see me in the streets, do not give me hugs.  I repeat NO HUGS.  No pats on the back.  Just in general, try not to touch me.  This is a rule always.  I am fine.  Do not contact me unless you have a job for me, you want to give me money, or you want to hang out just because you are my friend.

So here's the deal.  On Tuesday I got laid off.  LAID OFF.  This doesn't happen to people like me!  Oh my friends I am here to tell you that "yes, it does in fact happen to people like you and me."  I got the news late in the day and was home by 4:00 on the sunniest, warmest day of the year so far.  It was like 70.*  I got home.  The Smooch isn't home only the housekeeper.  Don't judge me.  Yes we have a housekeeper.  I know, I know, we don't have any kids so we should be able to keep our house clean.  But because we don't have any kids we can afford a housekeeper (or at least we could.)  The housekeeper takes one look at me, gives me the biggest and best hug ever and immediately texts The Smooch to tell him it is time to come home.  I go to find liquor.

Day 1 - I am crying in this picture because it seems my gray hair is back. 
Guess I better get the permanent marker out.

When The Smooch comes home, he finds me standing in the kitchen drinking warm southern comfort.   I admit I drank. More than I probably should.  And by that I mean three whole drinks.  WHAT!  Shocker.  I told him that I knew I needed it because I couldn't taste it. I told him that I had a few plans of action on how to save and raise money.  They are listed below in no particular order.

Day 1 - Unemployment has not been good to my hair.
  • I could sell my body for sex.  But first I would have to shave my legs.  I would donate the hair from my legs to locks of love, because that stuff is starting to get scary long.

  • I could be a lounge singer.  The Smooch said that would probably cost me money, what with all the lawsuits from all the traumatized people.

  • I could harvest the dogs kidneys (one each is three total) and sell them to some rich family who had a rich kid who needed a kidney bad.  I think this might be high dollar idea. 
Day 1 - I switch from whiskey to Mt. Dew. 
This may be a bigger mistake.

  • I would live off my comedy skills.  My blog and my improv.  I would do that full time.  The Smooch reminded me that neither of these things actually pays any money.  Well, I'll do them like they are my full time job because I just don't have anything else to do.  Also, going forward, I will need to you to mail $5 dollars to my house every time you read my blog.  Love ya, thanks!

  • I told him we would probably have to get rid of the housekeeper.**  I continued with telling him how I have already talked to the dogs about not making any more messes. They had agreed to wipe their feet when they came in and they agreed that they could stop peeing and pooping in the house until I got a job again.*** (At this point both me and at least one dog had some whiskey in us.)

I have had very few stop me in my tracks type events happen in my life.  This was one of them for about an hour or two.  It is amazing how many things that you can feel at one time.  Part of me couldn't breath, part of me couldn't talk (a first for me), part of me wanted to throw up and part of me wanted to fall down.  Part of me couldn't stop shaking and part of me wanted to pass out.  Part of me was laughing hysterically and part of me was about to go postal.  I told The Smooch that for his own safety, he should probably stay out of arms reach because I just couldn't prevent what would happen next.

Day 2 - I refuse to get out of bed.
My hair has a life of it's own.
The Smooch makes me shower.
The first two days were the hardest.  The Smooch works from home and he had a HUGE deadline.  This meant I had to keep quiet and out of his way.  This was a rough two days.  But today is the beginning of day three.  The Smooch's deadline has passed and overall, the stress level in the house has gone down.  I also remind myself that it could be worse.  I could be unemployed and hanging out with Aunt Biv.

But the good news is that not only do I have the time to work on my blog, I believe I may find something exciting to write about.  I am not going to take this lying down.  I am going to be doing stuff.  I am not unemployed, I am on vacation.  And the best kind of vacation because it is a vacation where I don't have to worry about checking in at work.  No work stress just me and The Smooch.  This is where I should interject.  Take a good look at The Smooch because you may not see him again.  He works from home and having us both in the house all day, every day is certain to lead to the death of one us.  Now I am off to the eye doctor (got to get their while I have insurance) and then off to the spa.


*Actual temperature is reading 45 degrees Fahrenheit but after so many negative, close to zero and days in the 20s, it feels like summer.  In fact, I left the house without a coat it was so warm.

** We are not getting rid of the housekeeper.  I would give up food before I would give up that woman.  If there was a fire in our house and I could only save one person, it would be a tough call between the housekeeper and The Smooch.  I'm just say'n.

*** This arrangement lasted 16 hours before one of them forgot and pooped on the floor.  Guess that dogs gets to donate two kidneys. Just kidding, don't call PETA.  I am not going to donate my dogs kidneys.  I may however have to start eating their food since we can no longer afford people food.