Sunday, October 6, 2013

Tricknee

You know how people need alcohol to feel brave to do idiotic things?  I am unfortunately not one of those people.  I tend to do stupid things completely sober.  So to explain to you exactly what happened to me last night (or what stupid thing I did to myself) I must explain a couple things to you first. 
  •  I am pro-alcohol and do imbibe on occasion.  The problem is that alcohol is not pro-me.  We used to have a pretty good love-hate relationship.  Now, it is becoming more hate-hate.  As I get older, it takes the same amount of alcohol to feel drunk but significantly less to feel hung-over.  I now become hung-over after only two water-downed drinks.  My husband thinks I am a mean drunk so he has me on a strict two drink limit.  Because of this, I drink significantly less than I used to. 

  •  A year or so ago, my parents hosted a big shin dig.  That means party to you city folk.  For said party, my parents had rented a bounce house.  Oh, what fun!!  If I only knew the truth*.  As the party was winding down, I decided it would be a good idea to try out the bounce house.  Rumors later circulated that I had drank too much.  I am here to tell you the truth.  I had exactly 1/2 of a beer over the course of two hours.  I wish I had been drunk, it would be less embarrassing.  Anyway, so I yelled to The Smooch, to come join me.  We were bouncing and having fun.  And then it happened.  I learned a valuable lesson.  I jumped one way and my knee went the other.  I hit the ground screaming in pain.  The Smooch kept bouncing thinking I was faking.  I was not.  My knee had twisted and had given out.  My niece and nephew would  later ridicule me about why I should have followed the rules of the bounce house.  I was over the weight limit.  I was over the height limit.  Why didn't I listen? A trip to an orthopedic surgeon assured me that not only was my knee not permanently injured, unlike my ego, I was also the oldest bounce house victim the orthopedic surgeon had ever seen.  Now I have a trick knee that gives out at the most inopportune moments.  Like that time in improv class where I got up too fast and my damn trick knee gave out.  Shortest scene ever.  But big laughs.

Back to last night....  My big injury happened over a year ago.  I have only had minor problems since then.  Lately, I have been feeling like my knee was almost back to 100%.  And then it happened.  It gave out again last night.  It gave out in a big way.  I will preface this story by saying I am okay.  I am writing this with my leg propped up and with an ice pack but I am okay.  So I give you permission to laugh.  Laugh big.  Laugh hard.  In exchange, I ask that you not tell anyone about this.  This may easily be one of my more embarrassing moments.  The only reason it isn't my number one most embarrassing moment is because I was alone when it happened.  There were no witnesses.

And here is what happened.... It was about 11:30.  The OSU game had just ended.  Time for bed.  I had had exactly 0 alcoholic beverages.  I was however sitting near two people that were drinking.  Maybe I had a contact buzz?  I don't know.  I did, however drink a lot of water and I do have a very small bladder.  That makes for a dangerous combination.  All of a sudden, I had to pee.  Bad.  I ran to the bathroom (well walked quickly, because who am I kidding, I never run.)  There was no time to shut the door, and I barley had time to pull my pants down.  No need to unbutton because well, you know (Button Free, Zipper Free, Care Free).  So pants half way down my legs, I turn to sit, and then my knee gave out.  I bounced off the toilet and fall, half in/half out of the walk in shower, pants around my knees.  I take a breath and try to assess the damage.  My knee hurts... bad.  But so does something else.  Oh yeah, that's my bladder, I still have to pee.  If possible, even worse than when I originally rushed into the bathroom.  I am glad to know that in intense situations, I can hold it.  Peeing my pants would have been the icing on the cake.  I take another breath.  Can I move myself the few inches to make it to the toilet?  Is my knee strong enough to support me?  Did The Smooch here the crash and is he on his way up here now?  We are not yet to a place where I wanted him in the bathroom when I was peeing.  The door was open, he could walk in anytime.**  My need was urgent, so I decided to risk it.  I moved towards the toilet and lifted myself up.  And then I fell in.  It seemed that when I bounced off the toilet, I had hit it with such a great force, that the toilet seat had ripped clear off the toilet.  It was two feet away.  I finished my business and then hobbled to the nearest bedroom to lie down.  Then I yelled for The Smooch.  When he arrived, I was half crying with pain and half laughing from embarrassment. 

He entered the bedroom not sure how to react.  There lies his crazy wife, laughing hysterically and holding her knee.  He tentatively asked the obvious.  I couldn't explain.  The tears and the laughter wouldn't stop.  I simply pointed towards the bathroom.  He assessed the scene but still couldn't put the story together.  So, through the tears and sweat, I told him what happened.  I told him the truth.  I have a family history of destroying toilets in unusual ways.***  So he just smiled and lovingly helped me hobble to bed.  He got me an ice pack and has been taking care of me all day.  Because when your wife is prone to idiotic drunken accidents when completely sober, you have no choice but to smile, take care of her and just shake your head and laugh.


Dramatic Reenactment


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*The Truth! Bounce Houses are dangerous!!  I have proof.
'Bounce houses' under new scrutiny | The Columbus Dispatch
Nationwide Children’s Hospital Study Shows Increase In Bounce House-Related Injuries - 10tv

** In fact, we almost got divorced earlier in the week when he walked in on me going number two.  Traumatic for both of us.  There was yelling and screaming on both parts.  We couldn't look at each other for the rest of the day.

*** My grandfather, the asshole, once destroyed a toilet when he dropped a crock pot on it.  Because who doesn't dispose of rancid vegetable soup by pouring it down the toilet?  The crock pot was unharmed.