Saturday, February 8, 2014

And It Burns, Burns, Burns, The Ring of Fire, The Ring of Fire - Part 1

So far, 2014 has been a rough year for me, health wise at least.  Now don't get me wrong, I know it could be worse. I could have cancer or be dying or something.  I am grateful that my problems are only temporary.  It started Christmas Day when a snot nose child climbed all over me dripping on me and doing other unmentionable things that little kids do.  Two days later, I had the crud.  Two days after that, The Smooch had the crud.  There is nothing worse than being sick at the same time as your husband.  Neither one of us were healthy enough to get food, get medicine, clean our house which is getting grosser by the minute with all the snotty tissues, coughs and sneezes.  It was like there was a layer of mucus on everything.  Every time I blew my nose, I felt like my nose was giving birth to a mucus baby. Good news. This time it was twins!  Yeah me!!  Also, I didn't think it was possible but I hit my buying limit of pseudoephedrine from the local pharmacy.  I think they may have thought I was cooking meth.  It probably didn't help that I pulled up in an RV every time I needed to make a purchase.*

All my beautiful mucus babies.

The Smooch and I had three different colds between Christmas Day and the end of January.  Or maybe it was one cold that just kept coming and going.  Either way, neither one of us felt good for over a month.  Every time you thought you were getting healthier, that nasty cold would come back bigger and badder than before.  By the end of January, The Smooch was on the road to recovery, but I couldn't kick my cold.  It felt like it was settling in my sinuses and ears.  I broke down and decided to go see my doctor.  At this point, I didn't think I could feel any worse.  Every time I bent over, I thought mucus by explode out of my eye.  Boy was I wrong.....
Things did get a lot worse.  It all went down hill after I went to the doctor.  My doctor is funny and I always enjoy visiting him.  He said that I probably had a sinus infection and he prescribed an antibiotic.  THE ANTIBIOTIC.  I realize now that if you rearrange the letters of antibiotic you get THE DEVIL IN PILL FORM.  Crazy coincidence?  I think not.  At first my stomach started bothering me.  I thought maybe I ate something that disagreed with me.  Then the diarrhea set in.  I did nothing but poop for four straight days.  Every single time I went to the bathroom, I felt like that scene from Bridesmaids.  "It's coming out of me like lava" became my new mantra.  Do you know how awful it is to have diarrhea and a head cold.  Every time I coughed or sneezed, I had to check my pants for surprises.  And if you follow me on facebook, then you will know that I sit next to the bathroom at work.  Good thing if you have diarrhea but also a little bad because I can know that the bathroom is not sound proof.  I can hear you from my desk.  So I must have broken into a sweat every time I was in there trying not to release the lava god from my bum hole.  And that still wasn't the worse part of my illness.  Not by a long shot.
To Be Continued…
* Just kidding.