Monday, January 20, 2014

I am Hangry!!

I am Hangry.  Hangry is this ugly combination of anger caused by being hungry.  I am hangry.  Why you ask.  Against my will, my coworkers made me sign up for Weight Watchers.  You've heard of it, with their Jessica Simpsons and that black actress/singer whose name I can't remember right now because I am hangry.  I can't think when I am hangry.

So maybe my coworkers didn't force me against my will.  I mean, they didn't take their big ole butts and sit on me until I did it.  No, we agreed as a group that we should eat better and be healthier and I begrudgingly agreed.  Since The Smooch and I got married, I have gained about..... ok, I can't say it here.  But just now that the number is close to my age.  The nurse at the doctors office calls this happy weight.  Weight you gain because you are happily in love.  But this happy weight is not making me feel very happy.  It is making me feel old and fat and out of shape.  Should I have to take a nap every time I climb a set of stairs?  So it is time to lose the happy weight.

A while back, I decided that It's Time To Buy Lycra Or To Start Working Out.  So I bought some lycra.  The other day I was telling The Smooch that I was feeling a little self conscious about my weight.  He suggested that if I was feeling self conscious, I should where my lycra.  At which point I lifted up my shirt and said what the f*&# does this look like, then I ran out in tears.  I was already wearing it.  He ran out of the room yelling "This is why I hate it when you ask me questions!"  Poor Smooch.

So I joined Weight Watchers.  This is the start of my third week.  I think that the first two weeks are the hardest.  Your body is adjusting to eating 1/4 of the food you were eating before.  I have to tell you that those first two weeks were really hard.  Every day, I pass this billboard on my way to work.  The billboard says that 1 in 4 children are hungry.  I eat breakfast at work so the drive to work is awful and the HANGRY level is high.  So every time I see this billboard, I can't help but think, I am that child thanks to Weight Watchers.  This is a bad joke and I now that.  Please don't send me hate mail.  But in my hangry, pre-breakfast state, I hate that billboard. 

I think that maybe I would rather be fat and eat.  I do love food.  I love all the great combinations of local food Columbus, Ohio has to offer.  I love going to the farmer's market and trying all the new flavors of local cheeses and honeys.  And I love the local bakeries.  I love try some new sweet concoction.  I don't even know how to begin calculating the points for that.  I only know how to calculate the items of the processed food I get at the grocery store.  And that is only because they have barcodes and Weight Watchers calculates the points for me when I scan the barcode.  How do I figure out the points to a homemade baguette and that delicious local chèvre cheese?

But I am starting my third week and I am feeling better.  I am even losing a little weight.  But I realized something.  I think that maybe the only thing holding my boobs up is the supportive shelf that my stomach has created.  If I lose weight, will my boobs drop to my belly button?  My boobs held themselves up in my 20s but now that I am in my thirties, gravity has started to take hold of them.  When I run, I have to hold my boobs in place so they don't bounce around so much.  Do you know how hard it is to run while holding your boobs.  This is why I don't run.  That and my Tricknee.  If I were to run, I would probably just fall down.

Before - Perky breasts sit on the belly shelf.  Disregard the mangled arms.

After - Skinny but my boobs go to belly button

So join me in this adventure if you will.  But feel free to join me in spirit alone.  And each time you eat something without thinking of the points, think of me.  And please forgive me if I seem hangry and grouchy.